Here We Are

Nine months later...  A quick visit to the doctor provided some helpful information on why I was feeling so crappy at the start of this year. Well, the doctor and some time to reflect. I realized at the end of January, I hadn't really processed the previous year. By hadn't really, I mean I hadn't. At all.  December 24, 2016: I gave birth for the first time. Obviously that's a whole experience in and of itself. December 26: We took Elsie home from the hospital and spent 1 night together before our first guest arrived. December 27: My mom landed in Qatar after a long journey from Washington. January 2: Lacey arrived in Qatar for the third time. January 10: Jake, Elsie, and I, spent 1 day together with just the 3 of us. January 11: Jeanne landed after a non-stop flight from Dallas. January 24: We flew to Boston for the job fair. January 29: We flew to Seattle and surprised our family with Elsie. February 4: We flew back to Doha. Februa...

I wrote this and left it for a few days...which turned in to months. However, I want to acknowledge the feelings before moving on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rut. Stuck in a rut. Woah. Still here. Still stuck. Haven't exercised in weeks. Haven't meditated. I'm stuck in a rut and I know why, but cannot seem to muster up the energy to get out of it. Depressing much? Work. Mom life. Professional. Sister. Friend. These roles spin around in my head like leaves blowing in the wind. No doubt I am still trying to process this motherhood thing. Am I taking longer than usual? Am I going to be processing it forever? Is this the new me- the new normal ? I think I keep waiting for things to return to how they were...to be able to accomplish tasks, get things done. With every week that passes, though, my lists grow and my energy dwindles.  Music. Why do I go a day without it? I receive it like an inhale...

Here. I can't tell, really, what it is. Is it November, the start of the holiday season? Is it the after move slump? We have been here now four months and we are definitely feeling that day to day monotony, the routine, the dullness. Is it the weather? The temperature has dropped here and there's a breeze in the air. I find it comforting, cozy. But it makes me want to curl up on the couch and chat. Is it missing home? Or missing people, more likely? Or the recent news of the death of a colleague? Another mass shooting at home? I feel the need to reflect, sit, process. A bit nostalgic. For what I'm not sure.  Is there a term for being completely overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time? Overwhelmed by the underwhelming monotony of small, menial, day to day tasks. Maybe that's what I'm feeling. This mom stuff is no joke. Every time I feel the desire to share or talk about it, I immediately feel silly. I know about a million people in tougher mom situat...

Who doesn't want to go to Bali? It just sounds idyllic! Jake and I decided to go to Bali for our October vacation. About a month beforehand, evacuations were ordered from the government because Mt. Agung is supposed to erupt at any moment. It was deemed safe as long as you stay outside of this 12 kilometer radius. Still, when we arrived in Ubud, we were quite nervous to see the smoke billowing from the top of Agung, from our pool. It certainly didn't look far enough away to be safe during an eruption. Proximity coupled with the roads in Bali had me a bit worried. I heard they were narrow, terrible roads, but I had to see them to believe it. Incredibly narrow and filled with moving cars, parked cars, motorcycles, carts, animals, pedestrians. It was clear we were not going to get anywhere quickly. Beautiful sunset in the rice fields Okay, okay....all that build up for nothing. It didn't erupt! Yet...but it totally will soon. We were definitely nervous, and probably...

A list of areas I think about on a daily basis that I would like to improve: Learning basic Thai phrases: I live in the country. I enjoy learning languages. No excuses. Swimming strokes: My preferred method of exercise, yet I actually have no idea what I am doing. Every time I have swum for the past few years I think about wanting to learn the actual strokes. It would just take a quick google search. Mindfulness: Requires ongoing attention. Reading: I have this burning desire to read more; to read more of everything. Fiction, non fiction, kids books, scientific books. I want to read more. I think about this daily. Cooking: Sometimes I actually enjoy cooking, but most of the time it stresses me out. Thinking about what to make, going to get the ingredients, and then worrying about what people will think of it is just overwhelming. The actual cooking part I sometimes enjoy. When there's no pressure... Furthering education: Master's in Teaching English Language Learners is...

Thailand tops the charts in my book when it comes to storms. I am not sure if I've lived in a place with more spectacular storms than here. All the curtains are drawn in my bedroom yet slices of lightening are still breaking through. The thunder just passed directly over me. I check the monitor for fear of it waking Elsie up. Seems like the loud shaking would startle a baby! Not yet, though. I am sure as she gets older, she'll become more aware, and thus more afraid.  Railay Beach, Thailand What is it about pouring rain that is so comforting? I absolutely love it. I am not one to complain about a good rain, although this past weekend I may have once or twice. We took our first Thailand vacation, which happened to be Elsie's first trip to the beach. It rained and rained and continued to rain. For the entire Saturday, it never stopped. Ever. There's only so much you can do in a hotel room, with a baby, for an entire day. So of course we strapped her on Jake's ba...

Time. Moments. That god-awful word... busy. We're all busy, we get it. No one wants to hear how busy anyone else is, myself included. My intentions are not to broadcast my schedule, but rather figure out what to drop, eliminate. Daily I feel pressed for time, spread thin, caught between mom and teacher. Oh, and wife. I've recently abandoned sister and friend. Since moving to Thailand, I've made hardly any effort whatsoever in those two departments. I keep thinking I'll get time; I'll catch up. The truth is I probably won't. I'll just have to get more creative with my time. Isn't that the truth about being a mother? We've got to get creative with our time and energy. I go to school and I am motivated by the students. I want to teach, to continue to learn, to improve. I think about how soon I can start my Master's. I daydream about going back to being a student, gathering all the new information and strategies I can, and bringing them to the clas...

Jake and I forgot our anniversary. It was our fourth wedding anniversary. I'm going to go ahead and predict that this will not be the last time we forget. It's indicative of where we are right now. New jobs, new country, new baby (okay, not really but it still feels like it). We've been so absorbed in our transition that it seems completely unsurprising that it nearly snuck by without celebration. Is it a sign of the doom of our marital bliss? I'd like to think not. We've never been huge on these types of celebrations anyway. We ordered Italian take out. Cheers! ;) Meanwhile, baby girl is eight months! She is just about to take off crawling, but finds ways to scoot across the room. She has two bottom teeth and more on the way soon. She is happy and pleasant; serious and focused. Everyone who meets her comments on her eyebrows. She slept 13 hours last night with no feedings. Woo hoo! She is still napping 3 times a day. She loves playing with her toys by herself,...

I'm hooked up to the machine again, doing my best to stock up the freezer for the week. That is how I have been spending my weekends lately. I'm not sure how I feel about it. At times, determined. Other times, completely frustrated. For eight months I've been feeding a human. According to some it hasn't been long enough, yet according to others it's been longer than necessary. I'm learning to accept and remember that neither of those opinions matter. Parenting will teach you quickly, that everyone has an opinion. However, it's still teaching me that no one's matters but my own. I'm a slow learner... Over a month ago we moved to Thailand. I started trying to wrap my head around that today and while doing so, I realized a lot has happened. It has been stressful. And I haven't fully felt those emotions. So I attempted to...but then the summer popped into mind...then the big move out of Qatar, the goodbyes, and my thoughts traced all the way back t...

The third trimester has taken place in Qatar. It has been nice how the pregnancy was broken down into chunks: 3 months pregnant and working in Qatar, 3 months home having fun in the states, 3 months pregnant and back at work in Qatar. Then I will have about 3 months off at home, and a bit more than 3 months of work to return to. Nice little unintentional pattern of threes. 34 Weeks in the desert Most of the third trimester involved a busy school and work life. However, we did get one fun trip in. We took a weekend trip to Jordan, which was more fun than I anticipated. At 30 weeks, I had to obtain a doctor's note for the airline, but in the end, no one ever asked for it. We did a lot of driving (about 14 hours I believe) in Jordan, but saw some incredible sights and travelled with a hilarious group that provided lots of laughs. We spent a day at a fancy hotel spa overlooking the Dead Sea so it turned out to be both a relaxing and adventurous trip. Had to get a shot in the l...

Sarah finds out in Texas! The timing of everything worked out well because we hit the 12 week, through-the-first-trimester point, the week we flew back to the states. We figured it would be much more fun to tell all of our family and friends in person, than to face time them. With the news that the cyst had shrunk, we felt much more confident about telling everyone.  My summer posts tell those stories, about the announcements and reactions.  Mary meets the bump :) Spending the second trimester mostly at home turned out to be wonderful, since that is when I had the most energy and felt my best. It was also good timing for shopping, since we usually do that at home, and my belly was starting to make its appearance. I was able to stock up on most of the clothing and gear I would need for the rest of pregnancy. We did a lot of research and bought a car seat, a stroller, and Maggie gave us a super nice breast pump. Everything is much cheaper and more available in the state...