I'm hooked up to the machine again, doing my best to stock up the freezer for the week. That is how I have been spending my weekends lately. I'm not sure how I feel about it. At times, determined. Other times, completely frustrated. For eight months I've been feeding a human. According to some it hasn't been long enough, yet according to others it's been longer than necessary. I'm learning to accept and remember that neither of those opinions matter. Parenting will teach you quickly, that everyone has an opinion. However, it's still teaching me that no one's matters but my own. I'm a slow learner...
Over a month ago we moved to Thailand. I started trying to wrap my head around that today and while doing so, I realized a lot has happened. It has been stressful. And I haven't fully felt those emotions. So I attempted to...but then the summer popped into mind...then the big move out of Qatar, the goodbyes, and my thoughts traced all the way back to Christmas Eve. I haven't fully sat with, or processed, Elsie's birth. The days and weeks that followed. The trip to the U.S. when she was four weeks. The job fair. The surprise trip to Washington. The month of horror- her second month. Going back to work. Leaving our home of three years. The four weeks we spent showing Elsie all of our loved ones and our favorite places this summer. The neutrality I felt towards leaving and moving to Thailand. Arriving in Bangkok and experiencing a surprisingly smooth transition. The worry that I wouldn't be able to continue breastfeeding while working. Which brings me full circle.
I have a healthy baby girl who doesn't seem to notice the efforts I put in to feeding her. She would be perfectly fine if we switched to formula. It would be so much easier. So what is stopping me? That's what I keep going back and forth about. I had it in my head that I would breastfeed her for a year. One year. I am four months from that. And believe me, four months currently seems like a really long time. Am I just being stubborn? Do I really believe that it's that much better for her? Am I cheap and not willing to pay for something when I can make it for free? Why am I still stressing myself out every four hours of every day? Breastfeeding has been one of the most stressful and difficult things I have ever done. Giving of your body every couple of hours is an incredible task. Who knew? Most people just assume it's as simple as putting the baby on your boob. The stress around pumping really started when I realized I couldn't take my supply with me, from Qatar to Dallas to Seattle to Bangkok. Then I realized that I would land in Bangkok and have less than a week to build up a reserve, while feeding her every meal. It was an unsettling realization. Nevertheless, we arrived, and I succeeded. I have made it this far- a month into school. But it requires so much.
I have two breaks every day at school and I spend both of them pumping. Locked in my room, obviously not socializing with my coworkers. Or prepping my lessons. Then the guilt kicks in. It's there all day: "You're not doing enough. You're not prepared enough. You're behind on your emails." It's there until 3pm when the other guilt master starts whispering: "You've been gone all day. You haven't even seen her yet. Do you care about your students more than her?" And I hear it all evening long, and I hear it the following morning as I look at her on the monitor one last time. I hear it until I'm out the door and then..."You didn't spend any time prepping! You're not attending any of the professional development opportunities! You don't even know what you're doing in class tomorrow!"
This is my current struggle. My daily reality. I realize I'm not alone. I think often about all the other moms in my position. Or worse positions- maybe not getting to see their baby all day long. I realize that my daily stress about feeding my chubby, content baby, is a first world problem. I am grateful for her health, and for mine, and for a job, my salary, the ability to pay someone I trust to be with her all day. I truly am.
I am just learning how to balance it all. How to be. I want to be a good teacher so bad! But not enough to stay at school for hours every day and miss out on time with my girlie. I want to be a good mom, too. But for now, I am a working mom. I am grateful for the opportunity to do both. I have much to learn. I hope it keeps me humble. Much respect for all the mommas and all the professionals, and all of us just trying to figure out how to stay balanced.
Over a month ago we moved to Thailand. I started trying to wrap my head around that today and while doing so, I realized a lot has happened. It has been stressful. And I haven't fully felt those emotions. So I attempted to...but then the summer popped into mind...then the big move out of Qatar, the goodbyes, and my thoughts traced all the way back to Christmas Eve. I haven't fully sat with, or processed, Elsie's birth. The days and weeks that followed. The trip to the U.S. when she was four weeks. The job fair. The surprise trip to Washington. The month of horror- her second month. Going back to work. Leaving our home of three years. The four weeks we spent showing Elsie all of our loved ones and our favorite places this summer. The neutrality I felt towards leaving and moving to Thailand. Arriving in Bangkok and experiencing a surprisingly smooth transition. The worry that I wouldn't be able to continue breastfeeding while working. Which brings me full circle.
I have a healthy baby girl who doesn't seem to notice the efforts I put in to feeding her. She would be perfectly fine if we switched to formula. It would be so much easier. So what is stopping me? That's what I keep going back and forth about. I had it in my head that I would breastfeed her for a year. One year. I am four months from that. And believe me, four months currently seems like a really long time. Am I just being stubborn? Do I really believe that it's that much better for her? Am I cheap and not willing to pay for something when I can make it for free? Why am I still stressing myself out every four hours of every day? Breastfeeding has been one of the most stressful and difficult things I have ever done. Giving of your body every couple of hours is an incredible task. Who knew? Most people just assume it's as simple as putting the baby on your boob. The stress around pumping really started when I realized I couldn't take my supply with me, from Qatar to Dallas to Seattle to Bangkok. Then I realized that I would land in Bangkok and have less than a week to build up a reserve, while feeding her every meal. It was an unsettling realization. Nevertheless, we arrived, and I succeeded. I have made it this far- a month into school. But it requires so much.
I have two breaks every day at school and I spend both of them pumping. Locked in my room, obviously not socializing with my coworkers. Or prepping my lessons. Then the guilt kicks in. It's there all day: "You're not doing enough. You're not prepared enough. You're behind on your emails." It's there until 3pm when the other guilt master starts whispering: "You've been gone all day. You haven't even seen her yet. Do you care about your students more than her?" And I hear it all evening long, and I hear it the following morning as I look at her on the monitor one last time. I hear it until I'm out the door and then..."You didn't spend any time prepping! You're not attending any of the professional development opportunities! You don't even know what you're doing in class tomorrow!"
This is my current struggle. My daily reality. I realize I'm not alone. I think often about all the other moms in my position. Or worse positions- maybe not getting to see their baby all day long. I realize that my daily stress about feeding my chubby, content baby, is a first world problem. I am grateful for her health, and for mine, and for a job, my salary, the ability to pay someone I trust to be with her all day. I truly am.
I am just learning how to balance it all. How to be. I want to be a good teacher so bad! But not enough to stay at school for hours every day and miss out on time with my girlie. I want to be a good mom, too. But for now, I am a working mom. I am grateful for the opportunity to do both. I have much to learn. I hope it keeps me humble. Much respect for all the mommas and all the professionals, and all of us just trying to figure out how to stay balanced.
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