Here We Are

I wrote this and left it for a few days...which turned in to months. However, I want to acknowledge the feelings before moving on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rut. Stuck in a rut. Woah. Still here. Still stuck. Haven't exercised in weeks. Haven't meditated. I'm stuck in a rut and I know why, but cannot seem to muster up the energy to get out of it. Depressing much? Work. Mom life. Professional. Sister. Friend. These roles spin around in my head like leaves blowing in the wind. No doubt I am still trying to process this motherhood thing. Am I taking longer than usual? Am I going to be processing it forever? Is this the new me- the new normal ? I think I keep waiting for things to return to how they were...to be able to accomplish tasks, get things done. With every week that passes, though, my lists grow and my energy dwindles.  Music. Why do I go a day without it? I receive it like an inhale...

Here. I can't tell, really, what it is. Is it November, the start of the holiday season? Is it the after move slump? We have been here now four months and we are definitely feeling that day to day monotony, the routine, the dullness. Is it the weather? The temperature has dropped here and there's a breeze in the air. I find it comforting, cozy. But it makes me want to curl up on the couch and chat. Is it missing home? Or missing people, more likely? Or the recent news of the death of a colleague? Another mass shooting at home? I feel the need to reflect, sit, process. A bit nostalgic. For what I'm not sure.  Is there a term for being completely overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time? Overwhelmed by the underwhelming monotony of small, menial, day to day tasks. Maybe that's what I'm feeling. This mom stuff is no joke. Every time I feel the desire to share or talk about it, I immediately feel silly. I know about a million people in tougher mom situat...

Who doesn't want to go to Bali? It just sounds idyllic! Jake and I decided to go to Bali for our October vacation. About a month beforehand, evacuations were ordered from the government because Mt. Agung is supposed to erupt at any moment. It was deemed safe as long as you stay outside of this 12 kilometer radius. Still, when we arrived in Ubud, we were quite nervous to see the smoke billowing from the top of Agung, from our pool. It certainly didn't look far enough away to be safe during an eruption. Proximity coupled with the roads in Bali had me a bit worried. I heard they were narrow, terrible roads, but I had to see them to believe it. Incredibly narrow and filled with moving cars, parked cars, motorcycles, carts, animals, pedestrians. It was clear we were not going to get anywhere quickly. Beautiful sunset in the rice fields Okay, okay....all that build up for nothing. It didn't erupt! Yet...but it totally will soon. We were definitely nervous, and probably...

A list of areas I think about on a daily basis that I would like to improve: Learning basic Thai phrases: I live in the country. I enjoy learning languages. No excuses. Swimming strokes: My preferred method of exercise, yet I actually have no idea what I am doing. Every time I have swum for the past few years I think about wanting to learn the actual strokes. It would just take a quick google search. Mindfulness: Requires ongoing attention. Reading: I have this burning desire to read more; to read more of everything. Fiction, non fiction, kids books, scientific books. I want to read more. I think about this daily. Cooking: Sometimes I actually enjoy cooking, but most of the time it stresses me out. Thinking about what to make, going to get the ingredients, and then worrying about what people will think of it is just overwhelming. The actual cooking part I sometimes enjoy. When there's no pressure... Furthering education: Master's in Teaching English Language Learners is...

Thailand tops the charts in my book when it comes to storms. I am not sure if I've lived in a place with more spectacular storms than here. All the curtains are drawn in my bedroom yet slices of lightening are still breaking through. The thunder just passed directly over me. I check the monitor for fear of it waking Elsie up. Seems like the loud shaking would startle a baby! Not yet, though. I am sure as she gets older, she'll become more aware, and thus more afraid.  Railay Beach, Thailand What is it about pouring rain that is so comforting? I absolutely love it. I am not one to complain about a good rain, although this past weekend I may have once or twice. We took our first Thailand vacation, which happened to be Elsie's first trip to the beach. It rained and rained and continued to rain. For the entire Saturday, it never stopped. Ever. There's only so much you can do in a hotel room, with a baby, for an entire day. So of course we strapped her on Jake's ba...

Time. Moments. That god-awful word... busy. We're all busy, we get it. No one wants to hear how busy anyone else is, myself included. My intentions are not to broadcast my schedule, but rather figure out what to drop, eliminate. Daily I feel pressed for time, spread thin, caught between mom and teacher. Oh, and wife. I've recently abandoned sister and friend. Since moving to Thailand, I've made hardly any effort whatsoever in those two departments. I keep thinking I'll get time; I'll catch up. The truth is I probably won't. I'll just have to get more creative with my time. Isn't that the truth about being a mother? We've got to get creative with our time and energy. I go to school and I am motivated by the students. I want to teach, to continue to learn, to improve. I think about how soon I can start my Master's. I daydream about going back to being a student, gathering all the new information and strategies I can, and bringing them to the clas...