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The Struggle

Time. Moments. That god-awful word...busy. We're all busy, we get it. No one wants to hear how busy anyone else is, myself included. My intentions are not to broadcast my schedule, but rather figure out what to drop, eliminate. Daily I feel pressed for time, spread thin, caught between mom and teacher. Oh, and wife. I've recently abandoned sister and friend. Since moving to Thailand, I've made hardly any effort whatsoever in those two departments. I keep thinking I'll get time; I'll catch up. The truth is I probably won't. I'll just have to get more creative with my time. Isn't that the truth about being a mother? We've got to get creative with our time and energy.

 I go to school and I am motivated by the students. I want to teach, to continue to learn, to improve. I think about how soon I can start my Master's. I daydream about going back to being a student, gathering all the new information and strategies I can, and bringing them to the classroom. Then at 3 o'clock I start the rush home. I want to see baby girl and I don't want to miss a minute. I wonder if she's awake or still napping. I count the hours that I have to play with her before bedtime: less than 4. I see her less than 4 hours a day during the week...that is so few hours. And so begins the mother guilt trip. You could see her all day long. 

 Teacher. Mother. Wife. Sister. Friend. I am trying to find the balance, a rhythm. It is no easy task. Sometimes I just about boil over in frustration over the number of things I set out to accomplish and the amount that gets accomplished. I suppose moms would laugh at this obvious observation and say, "Welcome to motherhood...duh." But it has been tough for me. I am all about tasks. Writing them down and crossing them off. 

 But I'm currently stuck. I feel the urge to take on more professionally, while I feel a magnetic pull each evening, taking me home. To Elsie. I am certain I am not the first mother to experience this. As much as I am certain that there is no simple solution. I will continue to give as much as I can in each of these roles, while offering myself a new dose of grace daily. It is okay to care about my job and to be eager to do more. It is also okay to want to spend time with baby girl. 

 I started this ramble with the intention of brainstorming an area of my life that isn't serving me right now. That I could eliminate. I am not sure that is the answer, though. I think the answer lies in presence. Gratitude. If I am fully alive in each moment of every day, I can be present, aware, and even thriving, in that role, in that moment. It is when I worry about the other, when I lose focus, that I begin to feel that the weight, the pressure, is too much to bear
These moments will go by fast...


...Reminding myself to savor them. 

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