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Reflect


Here.
I can't tell, really, what it is. Is it November, the start of the holiday season? Is it the after move slump? We have been here now four months and we are definitely feeling that day to day monotony, the routine, the dullness. Is it the weather? The temperature has dropped here and there's a breeze in the air. I find it comforting, cozy. But it makes me want to curl up on the couch and chat. Is it missing home? Or missing people, more likely? Or the recent news of the death of a colleague? Another mass shooting at home?

 I feel the need to reflect, sit, process. A bit nostalgic. For what I'm not sure. 

 Is there a term for being completely overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time? Overwhelmed by the underwhelming monotony of small, menial, day to day tasks. Maybe that's what I'm feeling.

 This mom stuff is no joke. Every time I feel the desire to share or talk about it, I immediately feel silly. I know about a million people in tougher mom situations than I am. More kids. Less money. Health conditions. Single moms. I feel silly complaining. I feel silly being surprised by the amount of work it is. I find myself looking around on a daily basis and thinking, how do they do it? But they do. We do. Women do. It is pretty impressive. 
And here.
I want to allow myself the space to observe and feel the tension and anxiety of being a new mom. I don't want to encourage the narrative that oh hey, this is easy. Maybe it is for some people, and God bless them. I have found it to be pretty tough. And that's okay. It's tough and wonderful. It can be too tough, too much, when I drift from the present moment and look forward. It has never been too much when I am all there, focused, present, fully in the moment. 

 That is the biggest lesson I have learned, and am still learning. Throughout my life, really, that has been the continuing theme. Be. Here. Now.


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